A Southern Girl's Rant

A mountain out of a mole hill

2006-02-24T20:36:00.000-06:00

Hello, world! It's been so long since I blogged that I couldn't remember my login id or password. (Thank God for saved passwords.) I particularly wanted to sign in and tell you how proud of myself I am for completing an entire portion of a manuscript that had been sitting for some time. The icon seemed to be just glaring at me from my desktop as I continued to ignore it as much as possible. I've had the last bit of data for over two months now. I thought I was getting burned out on resesarch again or that I should start considering another career path ... perhaps something very non-scientific like narrating children's audiobooks.

I sought counsel - there is safety in a multitude of counselors. Yesterday, a very non-STEM professor said I should schedule research hours, which wasn't anything that I hadn't heard at every workshop. But, the manner in which he advised that I approach those research hours was to be INFLEXIBLE. That word stuck with me. He went on to explain that everything else should be scheduled around my research, not the other way around. Yes, yes. We've all been told that, but no one ever used the word INFLEXIBLE with me in this context. It stuck.

So, at my INFLEXIBLY scheduled writing time this Friday night in the local coffee shop surrounded by mostly people who are socializing instead of working, what I discovered is that it wasn't an assistant professor crisis I was having, but simply a bit of writer's block on a particularly difficult portion of the manuscript. Instead of working on another less challenging section, I had been avoiding it altogether. This turned into a self-perceived inability to complete and submit a manuscript for peer review, which turned into a downward spiraling pit from tenure track hell. After I tackled that dread section with that INFLEXIBLE attitude, my world as a lowly assistant professor suddenly seemed not so low.

Funny how mole hills turn into mountains. Fantastic that they can become mole hills again.

Another long night ...

2005-10-25T00:19:00.000-05:00

I'm lounging on my favorite armchair and ottoman. They're both upholstered in this funky pattern that I just had to have when I saw it - quite a splurge in grad school. I'd gone along with a girlfriend who was looking for a breakfast table during furniture sales that Labor Day. She ended up with a recliner and I came home with a living room set. Honestly, I could care less about the loveseat and sofa, but I relish this chair. My dissertation was half written from this chair in a typical graduate student studio apartment (complete with cinderblock walls). The other half was written at Starkbucks (before they had any type of broadband).

Fast forward past the sweat, tears, blood and long nights of grad school and here I am in my first tenure-track appointment. Now, this chair resides in my own home beside a now roaring fireplace in my living room, which is wireless equipped, thank-you-very-much. With one of my best silver rimmed wine glasses filled at my side and my dog asleep at my feet, I'm enjoying The Best of Yellow Jackets on my iPod Nano piped through my stereo. I'm determined to finish this article review, which is already embarrassingly late. At least I gave up the delusion of finishing that answer key.

Some things change, some things don't. At the end of another long day, it'll be another long night, but I'm enjoying the moment for what it's worth.

Me, Ph.D.

This is what I'm dealing with ...

2005-10-21T10:03:00.000-05:00

Someone in my upper administration stopped me in the hall the other day. He said he and a secretary had been having a discussion about something they found surprising. He said there had to be a scientific reason for this phenomenon and realized he could ask me. I immediately put on my research/scientist/scholar cap, thinking it must be a scientific question related to my research expertise. The question ... are youready for this ...

"Why can't blacks have twins?"

My jaw dropped. I managed to ask, "What?" He repeated the question, just as earnestly and sincerely as possible. Dumbstruck, I said, "Blacks CAN have twins." He asked, "Are you sure." I said, "Yes. Blacks can and do have twins and other multiples." He asked in awe, "Do you know any?" I said, "Yes, in fact my family includes twins and triplets." He asked, "Really?" I said, "Yes." He paused, thenreplied, "Okay. Mystery solved!"

The only mystery here is how he got tenured and promoted.

What I should have said was ... yes, it's true. Blacks can't reproduce in multiples like whites can. That's how we became the minority.

Or, how about this version ... no, that's not true ... yada, yada, yada ... in fact Oprah is a twin. They just don't talk as much about the other one you know. Plus, OJ Simpson is a twin. That's how they botched the trial ... it was really his twin that did it. The blackcommunity has been harboring that secret for years now.

My dad tried to reason that maybe this administrator had not had much experience with black people. That might hold water if he hadn't spent his entire career in the deep south (and I'm not talking Florida). DatFuule just laughed hysterically. For like an hour. Really.

Just a placeholder.

2005-10-16T12:23:00.000-05:00

I've declared a moratorium on the news and am feeling much better now. I'm sleeping now, watching Girlfriends instead of Shepard Smith, and haven't had a crying-induced headache in a while. Instead, I'm occassionally (i.e., a few times a week) surfing the news websites. I'm finding that a lot easier to moderate and finding the world a lot easier to handle in small doses.

Don't get it twisted; by shutting off the tv, I haven't become blind, ignorant or dumb. I look back on my rants and am still just as enraged at the injustice of it all. The photos of the lower ninth ward still bring horror to my heart and tears to my eyes. I actually have an 'evacuee' residing in my guest room and a few salvaged momentos of a life and home gone in my closests. Katrina is hard to totally escape altogether, and her far reaching impact still complicates life.

After being totally disfunctional for a week or two I've been playing such catch up at work that I haven't had time to update my blog. Hence this place holder.

Just as leading zeros don't convey meaning other than to serve as a placeholder, this posting serves to space out other information so that information can have the appropriate meaning.

This way, you won't read my next blog and wonder ... how da heck did she go from talking about Bull Conner to talking about ...

"George Bush is our Bull Conner"

2005-09-27T11:27:00.000-05:00

Charlie Rangel stated "George Bush is our Bull Conner", providing a metaphoric linkage of our current president to the late Theophilus "Bull" Connor, who in 1963 ordered the use of fire hoses and attack dogs against blacks demonstrating in favor of equal rights. Many have said this is an extreme and absurd analogy but it's right on target. I heard Rangel explain his comment on Hannity and Colmes (Dumb and Dumber with microphones) and he's acutely accurate in his depiction. Bull Conner's actions brought attention to the injustices Blacks faced during that
time period. America could not afford to look the other way anymore. Bush's actions and inactions have brought global attention to the plight of African Americans in the poorest communities in our nation - those in New Orleans, LA. Many health care providers and media personnel responding during the aftermath of Katrina all remarked over and over again about the extensive pre-Katrina, pre-exisiting health disparities among the evacuees. The world heard report after report from vicitims, American citizens, would couldn't put verbs and nouns together in English well as Tsunami victims from across the ocean. American now knows that the average New Orleanian couldn't fuel up their SUVs, book a hotel room using their credit cards, or withdraw money from their bank account in preparation for the storm because they don't have those things! They also don't have adequate health care. They don't have a functional education system. They don't have jobs paying a decent minimum wage. They have very little hope for the future and live in desperation on a daily basis. Are they being attacked with fire hoses and attack dogs at large? No. But, the injustices being suffered now are relatively the same.

So, does the response of Bush's administration during this recent tragedy expose these injustices for the world to see just the same asBull Conner? Hell yeah! George Bush is our Bull Conner!!

Why U still talking?

2005-09-27T10:51:00.000-05:00

CNN.com : "My biggest mistake was not recognizing by Saturday that Louisiana was dysfunctional," Brown told a special congressional panel set up by House Republican leaders to investigate the catastrophe. (Watch Brown's comments -- 3:02)

Me, PhD: So, let's do all we can to further marginalize people the current highest goverment leaders would rather not think about. A whole state to boot! Brown says he couldn't convince Blanco and Nagin to order mandatory evacuations. Uh ... On Saturday, there was a voluntary evacuation ordered. On Sunday, when we knew it would hit New Orleans, there was a MANDATORY evacuation ordered. Does Brown not have internet, tv, telephone, radio or newspaper services??? Is the man just that incompetent or does he believe we'll just swallow his blatant lies. Well, the congressional representatives holding the investigation might, but Mr. Bush, Mr. Brown, the American people aren't that damn stupid. He also went on to say it's not his fault the governors of Mississippi and Alabama are republicans and did have evacuations, but that their political affiliations don't matter to him. Why [did] *you* bring it up then????

CNN.com:[Committee Chairman Tom Davis] pushed Brown on what he and the agency he led should have done to evacuate New Orleans, restore order in the city and improve communication among law enforcement agencies. Brown said: "Those are not FEMA roles. FEMA doesn't evacuate communities. FEMA does not do law enforcement. FEMA does not do communications."

Me, PhD: What the hell does FEMA do then???? I mean, beside provide jobs for homeboy hook-ups.

FEMA.gov: "As it has for more than 20 years, FEMA's mission remains: to lead America to prepare for, prevent, respond to and recover from disasters with a vision of "A Nation Prepared."

Me, PhD: Mike Brown needed to read his damn job description when his homeboy offered him the job. Sometimes, just sometimes, you actually have to do work and be accountable. And, I tell ya what - the government does not seem to be able to hold Mike Brown accountable. I have a few homeboys of my own from New Orleans. Appoint them a homeboy hook-up of the job of holding Brown accountable and I'll betcha they get the job done.

Man, just give me a few minutes in a room alone with Mike Brown. I'll show him just how dsyfunctional a Southern Girl can be!

Enough to make you lose your religion ...

2005-09-06T21:24:00.000-05:00

From FoxNews.com on Sept 6th -

"The government's disaster chief waited until hours after Hurricane Katrina had already struck the Gulf Coast before asking his boss to dispatch 1,000 Homeland Security employees to the region * and gave them two days to arrive, according to internal documents."

Further Insult to Injury

2005-09-05T13:48:00.000-05:00

From www.nola.com on Sept 5, 2005 ...

"Gov. Kathleen Blanco canceled a scheduled trip Monday to visit Louisiana evacuees in Houston shelters to stay in Baton Rouge to meetwith President Bush.

Blanco Communications Director Bob Mann said the governor did not learn about the Bush visit until early Monday morning.

"We had no idea the president was coming," Mann said.

Tension between the Blanco and Bush administrations has surfaced in recent days as state and federal officials try to coordinate recovery efforts in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. The Blanco administration clearly wanted to express their irritation with the communication aboutthe president's trip.

Blanco officials said they had heard that the president might make a visit and had been trying to get details. As of late Sunday night, FEMA officials told Blanco that the president was not planning a visit, Mannsaid."

Flag @ Half Staff????

2005-09-05T00:39:00.000-05:00

Uh, I know the Chief Justice was really important and all, but - uh - why the flag wasn't already at half staff for the Hurricane Katrina disaster???

You go!

2005-09-04T13:50:00.000-05:00

All I can say in response to New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Singer Celine Dion after their tirades full of extreme language and utter rage is ...

YOU GO BOY!!

YOU GO GIRL!!!

And another thing ...

2005-09-02T21:44:00.000-05:00

How come people make accusatory posts on the web saying folks in NO should have evacuated, as if they brought this on themselves, but those same folks fail to draw attention to the tourists who didn't evacuate either??? Oh, I forgot. The tourists have the excuse that they were on vacation and couldn't find rental cars. They have excuses like "I'm from an upper-middle class upbringing; I don't know how to live on the streets." (And the economically disadvantaged - euphemistic for 'poor' - people should know how to live without water, food, or other basic necessities, right?) I guess that excuse holds more water than not even having a driver's license much less owning a car or not having any relatives that live anywhere but New Orleans or not being able to afford a hotel in an emergency much less on vacation. I guess tourists' excuses count for something. Those same tourists left their hotel today and got placed on buses at the Superdome today AHEAD of the people who had obeyed the instructions of going to the Superdome if you could not evacuate and who had been waiting at the Superdome for 4 days.

Bill O'Reily tonight said race and socio economic status has nothing to do with this. BULL!

Now I'm not saying this experience was any less horrific than it was for those tourists. I'm not minimizing what they endured. It's unacceptable for ANY human being to go through the dehumanizing suffering they did. BUT DON'T TELL ME THAT SOMEHOW IT WAS ANY DIFFERENT FOR THEM AS IT WAS FOR THE NATIVE NEW ORLEANS VICTIM!! IF YOU DO, THEN DON'T EXPECT ME NOT TO SEE IT AS RACIAL AND/OR SOCIO ECONOMIC BIAS!

Still Furious!

2005-09-02T21:08:00.000-05:00

I watched today as Bush 'toured' the Gulf Coast areas affected by Hurricane Katrina. Yet, even on Friday night, like every other night this week, I still saw live coverage of babies and the elderly at the New Orleans Convention Center. Why is it that Geraldo can find these suffering people and the entire world can watch them on live TV, yet the federal response still can't reach them even after seeing the convoys reach the Superdome today??? I have walked from the Superdome to the Convention Center many times, but military vehicles can't make it there to help these people?? THIS IS STILL UNACCEPTABLE! If one American were suffering in the middle of a foreign land, we'd immediately send the entire military. We can't reach these Americans in New Orleans???

What the ...

2005-09-01T20:50:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in front of my TV bouncing back and forth between CNN and Fox News feeling a bit schizophrenic. I go from complete shock and disbelief to anger at the lack of appropriate response from the federal government to utter despair at the massive loss of life.

Shock and Disbelief - I don't know if I can fully describe how surreal the devastation of New Orleans is. To see not just one house destroyed, not just one neighborhood completely devastated but an entire city in unbelievable ruin. Then, for that not to be on a made-for-TV or blockbuster movie, but instead to feature a city I know and love. Oakwood mall where I've shopped - burned to the ground. Neighborhoods in which my family and friends lived. A intersection on the block where I lived for a short time before going to grad school and the building where I worked. Under water. The places I frequented and loved. No more beignets and hot chocolate at Cafe du Monde. Most everything ... gone!

Anger - In light of the devastation witnessed in the past few days, questions about our ability to respond to a terrorist attack have been raised. That experiment has already been run. After a terrorist attack on the beautiful twin towers of New York and the pentagon in our nation's capitol, the federal response was swift and comprehensive. We sent everything we had to ground zero and the military is still across the world. We put armed men in airports. Today, the data set largely consists of impoverished people in New Orleans who don't have driver's licenses much less own cars. Most of them are uneducated and have never been outside the city of New Orleans. The majority are from government subsidized housing projects. Their parents are from the projects and their grandparents are from the projects. They don't have family in other places to whom they could have evacuated. The federal response?? Women are being raped and children are hungry. The elderly are dying at the Convention Center and Superdome, and even at the hospitals where doctors and patients are under the fire of a sniper. The federal response??? Only evident in the continual excuses and buck passing offered on national TV.

A man's body lies on the interstate tonight after lying there throughout the Louisiana heat all day. And the nation also saw that on national TV.

Utter despair - Thousands of people are without homes, jobs and their loved ones. Most have lost everything they owned in life except the clothes on their backs, and after the past few days, they probably don't want them. Need I explain?

Whoo hoo!

2005-08-25T18:15:00.000-05:00

There is a God in heaven! Well, I already knew that, but it's still fun to see Him at work.

I met (again) with administrators today. They are putting into play a request I made that will significantly minimize my contact with the loon. I'm hoping out of sight - out of mind will be the trick. Maybe she'll fixate on someone else ... God help them.

Me, Ph.D.

This Thing Called Clarity

2005-08-22T20:51:00.000-05:00

So Dat Fuule got his clarity riding 'cross the Dirty South with the top down and the wind in his hair. Mine came on a beach in southern Florida with a strawberry daiquiri in hand. Fuule might have gotten a tan, but I got an all-out sunburn. Imagine that.

My clarity came in the realization that my institution is not going to do a damn thing about the hostile situation in which I find myself trapped. Apparently, the administration could care less about inappropriate, unprofessional, deceptive, hostile and manipulative (and as such, illegal) behavior of the employee in question, as long as the university gets some benefit in the end. Now, to the sane blog reader like you, this probably seems pretty darn contradictory. I agree. Her behavoir has far greater potential to be damaging to the university, particularly when students and federal funding are involved. However, it appears this academic enterprise would rather continue with the facade that all is well and normal. Business as usual. Meanwhile, I'm playing damage control daily.

Curious about the details? Watch Single White Female. Then, redraw Heddy as an asst professor. You'll get the picture.

Just when you thought it was safe

2005-05-23T08:04:00.000-05:00

Ok. So the semester is over but apparently the foolishness is not. One of my students from the intro to chem class I taught this past spring didn't take my final. He came in a week before the final saying he had a chipped tooth and could not take the final. I pointed out that a chipped tooth is not a valid reason for missing the final but deferred to the syllabus policy about medical emergencies. He later faxed a note from his dentist saying he had an appointment (in another state) the same day as the final. Well, that doesn't exactly mean it's a medical emergency (for which you probably would seek medical help in the state and less than a week away).

But, I permitted him to take an I for the semester.

Right after school was out, he emailed saying he just figured out he can't enroll in Organic until he passes general chem. Duh. Further, he wants to take his exam as soon as possible. Not my problem. You see, you could have taken the final last week. This week, we're on break - between semesters, and I feel no need to write an exam on my break. I'm already working too much (and too hard, see the previous post). You'll have to wait until school is back in.

Just when I thought I was (temporarily) safe from students with poor excuses.

Accountability, or a lack thereof

2005-05-11T19:04:00.000-05:00

So, I've been quiet for some time. I've been too busy trying not to be held accountable for someone else's self-esteem and self-confidence, or lack thereof. I wrote a rather long description of what working with this person is like. But, I think I'll err on the (more) gracious side and just say the websites I've cited are accurate descriptions of my experience. (Kind of coincidental all those websites that pretty much describe my experience are all about borderline personality disorder.)

In all, this has been the most horrifying experience I've ever had. (There was that car accident in '94 ... I still miss that car, but it had to lose against the brick wall I guess ...) And, I'm stuck in it.

It’s as if I’m on a horrible rollercoaster ride gone terribly badly. Every time I come around to the boarding stage, I lean out and scream “I want off!”

But, the controller says, “Oh, you want to go faster? Okay.”

With that, he moves the lever forward and off I go again.

A cause for ignance

2005-02-09T20:56:00.000-06:00

Posted on my class discussion board (class size 129) ...

"I cannot come to every class and I cannot study outside of class. I'm not like the other students, I need to be taught in class." (Spelling corrected here.) (That's ignorance.)

Uh. A) If u ain't comin' to class, how u no what I'm teachin' in class? B) If u ain't comin' to class, what it matter whud I teach in class? (Spelling not corrected to convey the intended meaning - that's ignance. See Dat Fuule's 1/28 post.)

You have got to be kidding me. Shouldn't I just pull a Hanibal move, remove the top of his skull and drop a textbook in. Instant knowledge. No work, no fuss.

My response ... "If you cannot come to class or study outside of class I suggest you drop my course." (What I really wanted to say ... "Wha da ... ?? Git yo ignant tail out my class")

Me, Ph.D.

Permission Granted

2005-02-07T13:57:00.000-06:00

A friend and colleague called me this morning.

She's tenured in another department on campus and is the PI on a major NSF proposal that's due in about a month or so. Right now, she's home with the flu so you can imagine how crazy she's going. She's trying to work and drag herself in for various activities but is really too darn exhausted to even walk down the driveway to check the mail. I know from experience - a lifetime of respiratory problems (bronchitis, pneumonia, flu and all). Some folks say, "Oh, I had the flu earlier this week ..." Bull. Real flu puts you on your back for at least a solid week and you spend the next several weeks, if not a couple of months trying to get back up to 100%.

More than the physical symptoms of body aches, fever, and exhaustion, she's more frustrated with" falling behind" on work. We talked for a bit and I encouraged her to give the situation the full respect it demands and face it. Cancel appointments, delegate responsibilities and do whatever else needs to be done so that you can rest and recouperate. You cannot just ignore the flu, you know? By the end of our conversation, she seemed to sound a little more at ease, as if being granted permission made it easier to actually do those things - even though she didn't really need permission. Maybe it was just the anti-viral cocktail kicking in, but I'll go with the permission thing for the sake of this conversation.

There are also other situations - unhealthy work relationships. An insane work environment. Outrageous responsibilities. Lack of acknowledgement or value for what you do. We're human. We aren't bulletproof and now matter how strong, tough or determined we are, extreme situations will get the best of us. You always hear, "Don't let it get the best of you." Or, "Just ignore it." Yes, sometimes that's true. But, sometimes we just need permission to be sick, to feel the way we feel, or even take a break and get some rest - AND not feel bad about it.

So, are fed up with your colleague's mental health problem that the medication doesn't seem to be helping? Are you tired of accepting "that's just the way he is"? Tired of a peer stealing your ideas and presenting them as if they were her own?

If that's you, I hereby grant you permission to feel exactly the way you feel.

What you do next is solely up to you.

Me, Ph.D.

Who's hip?

2005-01-21T13:21:00.000-06:00

I learned a lesson from DF, Ph.D. on a conference call last night and applied it to my class this morning. I've been having a problem getting my 127 student class to do anything other than look at me with blank faces. So, today I opened with a survey - presented it really formally, asking for their honest answers by show of hands. I explained there is no wrong or right answer.

Looking as seriously as possible, I asked, "Who watched West Wing last night?"

One hand, little laughter.

Then, "Who watched Alias?" More hands, more laughter.

Then, a guy yelled out, "Who watched the State game?" Lots of hands, lots of laughter. (Apparently, Alias is hipper than West Wing, but live b-ball beats them both.)

I then asked them to participate in lecture in the same manner and they did a great job of responding to questions and even in a vote on a class question after consulting with a neighbor. Worked like a charm in dispelling the fear of being singled out in a large lecture in front of your peers. Try it. You'll like it.

Me, Ph.D.

Kemistry!

2004-11-23T00:44:00.000-06:00

I saw Kem perform at the New Orleans House of Blues this weekend. Yes, Kemistry during off hours. (What off hours?!) Other than the gum that I sat in (wearing my favorite jeans) and subsequently transferred to the leather seat of my SUV (yuck) , the concert was fan-tas-tic. That man has a powerful voice, and he is not afraid to use it! He puts on quite a show, even for a former addict living on the street. Teaches us to make assumptions about people and their abilities based upon their apparent situations.

BTW, Goo Gone works wonders on leather seats. Oh, and remind me to tell you about scotch guard on rental car fabric seats one day. Dried vomit comes right up. (Friends don't let friends die in the backseat of rental cars. Especially when the rental car is reserved in the aforementioned friend's name.) Names omiitted to protect the - uh, innocent. (Love ya' anyway darlin'!) And, many thanks to Dr. DF for his insight into "normal" drunken behavior.

But, it's a Jill Scott "Livin' My Life Like It's Golden" late night as I craft both formative AND summative evaluation into this NSF proposal. Broader Impacts anyone?

BTW, I got the house and am moving in about a month, just a couple of weeks after my 30th birthday.

"Livin' my life like it's golden, golden ... Livin' my life ...

Me, Ph. D.

Look out world!

2004-11-17T20:27:00.000-06:00

Look out world, I've put an offer in on a house. The prospect of owning my very first home (as in all mine, and only mine) and growing roots in one spot is both comforting and frightening. It's not so much home ownership in and of itself that's daunting, but moreover the implications - getting older, committing to living here, employment at this university long term, ... Mind you, I'm not complaining; just chewing over the ramifications of this decision (and the $1000 in earnest fee I paid today).

We'll know the outcome by noon, Friday (CST).

A good day ...

2004-11-15T20:38:00.000-06:00

Today was actually a good day. One of those where you can actually imagine seeing a glimmer of the light of tenure at the end of the tunnel called Assistant Professor. Seriously. I think I saw it flicker for a moment today.

Welcome ...

2004-11-14T20:46:00.000-06:00

Welcome to my blog, "A Southern Girl's Rant". I decided to surrender to the darkness after seeing others. Hey ... I can't let them have all the fun!

More to come.